That Day
~
I sat there that day, watching him sleep. His innocence peering at me through closed eyes
I asked myself why did I love him? Why could I not refuse him or turn away when I knew what was coming.
I watched him sleep and I cried, he told me I could always ask to lay with him, I knew he wouldn't turn me down. I never knew why it was so hard to ask, maybe it was because I was afraid of the feelings I got sometimes when he held me. It was harder than it ever was this time. This time I was afraid of what I'd feel and not get back in return. This time I finally asked..
I have to say I fell In love with him again as I had so many times in our almost nine months. I knew it would be my last moments of happiness with him as my own for a while. I can't believe I managed to sleep.
He'd never been a cuddler in his sleep but he made room for me and wrapped his arms around me and I wanted to die. Right then, for I'd known I'd be happy and not have to worry about being alone.
I look back at the yesterday and I wonder if I was right. I guess nobody really knows if their right but I think I was. I'd like to hope I was because I don't know how else to live with myself.
I remember his face the first time he told me he loved me, now he can't seem to form the words in that beautiful mouth of his. Everytime I bear my soul with those three tell tale rivers of emotions and sounds that give up all control to another they sail off into the wind like a whisper never ment to be heard.. I once told him the scariest thing I've ever known in my life was that I was going to love him for the rest of mine.
You'll never know what trials country, god, love, life, honor will put before you. You don't know what your love will cost anymore. You'll hope it's worth the pain or the hardship or the doubt that falls with anything. But hopefully you'll be blessed with the memories that you were so fortunate to make.
I look and see that people change, I always knew but never applied it to my life. I liked things to be stationary, safe, kind, familiar. You wonder will I feel the same in ten years, or even a few months. You'll find you cannot give an answer. I do not know who he has become, he does not know himself. I know I love the person he was, and I always will. But who is this stranger at my door, the one who needs me the most but pushes me away. The one who holds my will and my dreams in his hand and walks away and forgets to return them.
It's hard to be glad for the things he gave me. I know I will be when the pain is gone, But I don't know if I want it to go away. Pain makes me feel alive, it gives me a reason to not be happy like everyone else because you need one nowadays. The hurt justifies the anger I feel, the need to bring myself down. It gives me reason, emotions, inspiration. It does not give me happiness, or life. The question is do I want to be happy? Do I want him to be right that this is best. Do I want him to not feel the pain like me? Would I spare him that because I love him or do I share it because I feel so?
I wish I had all the answers, I wish I could feel what its like to have faith and hope again. I wish I could be that ten year old little girl waiting for her first kiss. Instead of the sixteen-year-old one remembering her last. I know too much for my age, I wish I was naive again. Ignorance is Bliss. I wish I could look around and the people who are supposed to be my peers and friends and no scorn them for their pettiness. For being naive. Maybe its because I yearn to be like them, to not know what it is to be hurt, lost, to feel alone forever.
Maybe I'm glad I'm who I am, but who am I anymore?
~
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